Monday, September 18, 2006

Celebrity Death Watch

It's interesting that we, as the general public, are often taken by surprise when there is a tragic death of a celebrity who's considered to be 'on the rise'. Or even a well-healed entertainer. One that's been around a bit. Who's paid his dues. People who are recognized by millions, for no other reason than their profession requires them to be seen or heard, by as many people as possible, in order to be successful at what they do for a living.

Why are we always so shocked at these untimely deaths? Maybe not, I suppose, so much their untimeliness but that they occur, at all.

Belushi. Farley. Phoenix. Hendrix.

It must be a brutal existence, being a 'celebrity'. The pressure to remain merely relevant, never mind on top, has got to be immense.

So, I'm surprised that we're so surprised when someone in this line of work is 'taken away' from us. So they say. Typically with the phrase 'in their prime' attached to it.

I'm not saying it's not unfortunate or we shouldn't lament these losses. Quite the contrary, in fact. I think we can stop them. Honestly.

If you look at the lifestyle and actions of the aforementioned celebrities, don't you think that there were some tell-tale signs that things were going awry?

We should be more aware and active in preserving the lives of our celebrities. And as a first step to aiding our celebrity brethren in staying alive, I'm asking you all to focus on the next tragedy waiting to happen.

We need to save... Racheal Ray.

I'm serious. This chick is flying off the rails right now.

She's gone from a simple show on Food Network a few years ago to multiple shows on Food Network and an upcoming day-time network show. Three shows. One involving some serious travel. All at the same time. What's keeping her going?

A schedule like that can't be sustained by sheer commitment. Someone's got to step in and slow her down. She's doomed.

I saw an advertisement for her new day-time show the other day and that's when this idea hit me. There was a short clip of an upcoming episode and she was standing behind a studio kitchen, spatula - or some other utensil - raised high in the air, and maniacally screaming, "A Seven! Minute! Meal!"

It was startling. It was frighteningly reminiscent of the classic 'Mr. Tarkanian - Tyranical Boss' sketch on SNL. The one where Will Ferrel plays Mr. Tarkanian, a real bastard of a boss who isn't shy on laying down the physical and mental abuse necessary to run a good ship. Being the fourth ranked Airplane publication isn't easy.

Racheal Ray reminded me of Chris Parnell's character. The guy who comes bolting into the office in sweat-stained tatters wielding a trident... Confronting the evil Mr. Tarkanian... And challenging him by screaming, "I've been lifting weights and doing cocaine all day!!"

Only to have Mr. Tarkanian stand up, wrest the trident from his hand, and fall victim to blow after blow from it at the hands of his almighty boss. Really. Blow after blow after blow after blow... Easily 30 or 40 strikes. It's tremendous theatre. Especially when Mr. Tarkanian finally turns around and is absolutely drenched in only the fakest of fake 'hollywood' blood. Highest of comedy.

But that's the lesson we know. And that's the lesson we need to pass on to our unwitting celebrities. Don't let Mr. Tarkanian repeatedly stab you with your own trident.

Racheal Ray's in the weight room right now. Alternating 300-pound dead lifts and squats with 1/2 inch wide, pencil-length lines of coke... We've got to save her.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Repetitiveness n'est pas Entitlement

There's this old guy. Well - older guy that seems to hit the Dunkin Donuts at some point in the morning. Gets his stuff... then sits in his vehicle, presumably finishes his stuff, and then reads the newspaper. Apparently, the whole fucking thing. Top Headline to final Hyundai offering.

I've seen him there on multi-occasions. Weekdays. Weekends. Weekwhatevers. No worries. Until this morning.

It's a busy enough parking lot, especially with the quick nature of the business. So, you want to see things work out right - quick, efficient, & unabrasive. In and out. Make room for the next junkie.

Why, oh why, would you then take your vehicle and park it right over those freshly painted PARK HERE lines that are, fairly, de rigeur of all parking lots we solicit? How can you not see these demarcations and - maybe because your car is so much cooler than everyone else's - take over two parking spaces with such poor parking? Or, according to you, advantageous parking. Douche.

They paint slots... so, use the slots!

I don't care if you've been comin' there a day - or a month's worth of Sundays. Fuck. Me. Get your stupid Toyota Rav4, or whatever that thing is, the fuck out of the way. No way in hell that thing is wider than a parking slot! Prove it, Numb-Nuts. Or straighten it out. Douche.